Posts Tagged ‘family’

Fathers and Daughters: Passing on the Family Business

Monday, January 16th, 2012

More women are taking over family-owned companies, but the handover isn’t always smooth

By Karen E. Klein

Family-owned companies account for 80 percent of all businesses worldwide, and about one-third of them are owned by women. Although U.S. Census data and recent research shows that daughters and wives are increasingly taking over family businesses, few studies have been done on the process. That’s the subject of a new book, Father-Daughter Succession in Family Business, (Gower, 2011) by Daphne Halkias, a social science researcher at Cornell University and senior research fellow at the Center for Young & Family Enterprise at the University of Bergamo in Italy. The book seeks to illuminate the process of father-daughter succession around the globe and find ways to encourage it, Halkias says. She spoke recently to Smart Answers columnist Karen E. Klein. Edited excerpts of their conversation follow.

What got you interested in this topic?

In 2005 I was a visiting MBA professor in Greece. About half my students were women, many of them from family-owned businesses. They were concerned about succeeding their fathers, because many were only children, or one of two sisters, and they had a lot of emotional conflicts with their fathers.

What kinds of conflicts would arise?

She might want to take the initiative, but the father didn’t want to give up control. Or a father might be waiting for his daughter to get married, so she could do PR for the company and her husband would come in as a kind of surrogate son and successor.

You did surveys on this topic in various countries. What did you find?

Sons were gung-ho: 100 percent of them were ready to succeed their fathers in business. Most of the girls, however, did not want to continue in the family business. They wanted to be independent and go into business on their own. They adored their families, but they encountered so many cultural and emotional conflicts with their fathers, they wanted to leave or let a future husband take over the company.

What are some takeaways from the case studies in the book?

Across cultures, we saw the repeated desire to maintain harmonious family relationships. It’s as if the daughter were constantly involved in a course correction with every new and difficult step in the succession process, in order to ensure a state of community with the father and among the various stakeholders of the family business.

Are women gaining ground when it comes to family succession?

Women, and daughters specifically, have increased chances of higher education, and a younger generation of fathers are accepting women in the workforce. Consequently, [women] have quietly been ascending to the ranks of many lesser-known family businesses around the world.

What factors still hold women back from taking over a family company?

There is still gender and age bias. In some Asian cultures, especially, we found that a woman was able to move more easily within the business and within the succession process once she was married. In many cultures, it’s very difficult for a single woman to move in business circles.

Also in many cultures, unlike in Europe and the U.S., the extended family is very involved in a business. So conflicts might not just be between the father and daughter; male cousins and uncles, and brothers-in-law could get into the conflict also.

Were there any cultures you studied in which women were forbidden to assume control of a family business?

We did not find that anywhere, even in the most conservative cultures we studied. That might be surprising to us in the West, because we often have a narrow view of what goes on in other cultures. The reality is that women have made great strides all over the world and across many cultures, religious backgrounds, and geographic locations.

That desire for work-family balance keeps some women in the U.S. from taking top-level management jobs or becoming entrepreneurs. Did you see that in other cultures?

In certain countries, women don’t have a choice to remain single or not to have children. Their families arrange marriages for them within large circles of extended family and friends. But once they have children, the extended family gets involved in raising the children.

So two-career families have grandmothers and cousins and siblings, many of whom live in the same big building or the same neighborhood, and they all help out. It’s a very natural way of life, and in many cases, working women are not as isolated as they often are in the West.

[Karen E. Klein is a Los Angeles-based writer who covers entrepreneurship and small-business issues.]

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

16 Steps to Write New Year’s Resolutions that Work

Monday, January 9th, 2012

Are you wondering how some people can make New Year’s Resolutions and stick with them, while other people can’t or don’t or won’t even thing about writing them out, let alone completing them. Here’s how to be successful at following-through on the new you in the new year.

  1. Start thinking about what your short term goal is for the next year.
  2. Remember or come up with your 5 and 10 year goals.
  3. When you make your New Year’s Resolutions, make sure that they relate in some way to either your short term or long term goals. The reason behind this is to link your resolution into what naturally motivates you to pursue change. This also helps you keep your resolutions high on your priority list as well.
  4. Plan out 2012. On a calendar pencil in the BIG events for the year.
  5. Pick a day where you have space and time to think, plan, and write out your resolutions. Anticipate writing out your resolutions. Make it fun and memorable. Our bodies are wired to seek pleasure.
  6. Brainstorm and jot down the things you’d like to change or do more of in the next year.
  7. Next, look at your calendar to see how much time you have each month to devote to each of your resolutions. Estimate how many hours or days per week you can work on each resolution.
  8. Plan for wiggle room. We usually have a head’s up for when there are good stressors or life events such as births, weddings, birthdays, celebrations, etc. However, illnesses, deaths, accidents, layoffs, car troubles, are usually unexpected. Give yourself time and compassion to deal with these unforeseen events.
  9. Set start and end dates for each of your resolutions. Before you commit to due dates, read through and do steps 10-13 first.
  10. Next look at how far you think you’ll get with each resolution in the next 90 days. Define what you will have to do to accomplish that resolution in the next 3 months. Write each step out. It’s okay to have 10 to 20 steps.
  11. Then looking at your calendar, define how many of those steps you can do in the next 30 days.
  12. Before you commit to what steps you’ll do in the first 30 days, check-in with your calendar to see how much time you can devote for the next 4 weeks.
  13. Set weekly due dates with 1 or 2 days to allow for the unexpected.
  14. Remind yourself of when things are due. Set up reminders in your phone, with software, or online calendars.
  15. Tell someone what you’re planning to do.
  16. Ask someone to hold you accountable to follow-through on your resolution. Someone who does not want your time themselves, who can be objective, can offer feedback, ask the hard questions, and help you brainstorm how to trouble-shoot setbacks, loss of motivation, etc. will guarantee a higher level of commitment out of you to perform and accomplish what you’d like to change.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Curing Resentment Flu

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

As a woman, sometimes it’s easier to blame everyone else for how crummy we’re feeling when we feel overwhelmed, unsupported, exhausted, ignored, or rushed. We catch resentment flu when we feel run down from spending too much of our time and effort on making everyone else happy, instead of first turning to filling our own love needs before we nurture others. Applying your own oxygen mask first during a crisis applies in this scenario. We often need an extra dose of love vitamins during the holiday season to ward off any ill feelings toward our loved ones or mere by-standers. If you’ve caught resentment flu, we’ll teach you how to get better soon with the tips below.

John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus relationship book series, playfully uses this term to describe what happens to a woman when the score that she is mentally keeping in her head is uneven—whether it’s 0:1000 or 5:20. Martians generally keep score by assigning points based on the size of the accomplishment. The story goes that on Venus, score is kept differently than on Mars, because every gift of love is scored equally—1 point. On Venus, little things are important as they make a big difference. For women, noticing the little things, means that you care and are paying attention. If Martians redirect their energy and attention, then they can be more successful in supporting their Venusian partners and friends. When Martians are talking to Venusians the quickest way to score points is to NOT try to fix her, change her, or make the conversation about you. If the score is uneven, there may be resentment flu in the air.

This tool doesn’t need to be used solely within a love relationship between the opposite sexes. It can also be used with friends, family, or same sex partners if the intent is on finding creative ways to show your appreciation and kindness towards one another. The other person does not need to know the score, or that you are even using this tool. The intent is a quick check-in with the only person you can control in this situation: you. Ask yourself how you can optimistically reframe how you are showing gratitude in the relationship.

If you like having fun in your relationships, then here are a few entertaining ways that men and women can pump healthy doses of love into their relationships throughout winter flu season.

How You Can Score BIG Points with Men:

You can score points with men by doing things, but most men will give you BIG points for when you respond with appreciation for their efforts to help. Showing appreciation is high on most men’s love needs. Praising what they are doing well, will usually net you more of the same behavior, because you are positively reinforcing what you like, instead of nagging or putting him down for what you don’t like. The quickest way to start feeling better is to catch a man doing the things you like. Show appreciation by verbalizing what he is doing that helps you. The more you thank a man, the more he will want to do things for you.  This has worked for me with every man or boy I’ve shown appreciation to whether they are related to me or not.

Another way to score big points with a man is to overlook his mistakes. If he gets lost driving, for example, graciously forgive him. Refrain from giving him a hard time, or pointing a finger at his error. You will score big with him. Remember men give 50 and 100 points at a time.

How You Can Score LOTS of Points with Women:

  • Give lots of hugs throughout the day.
  • Any time you do something without being asked, you score a bonus point.
  • Any gentle, non-sexual touching scores you a point.
  • Notice out loud when she looks cold, and then ask if you can turn the heat up…score 1 point for each thing.
  • (Offering to build an open fire may score more points than just flipping the heat switch to on.)
  • Three times a week spend the first twenty minutes giving her your undivided attention. The longer she shares, the more points you get.
  • Plan a relaxing or romantic getaway.
  • Tell her in advance about the getaway=more time for her to share with friends=more points.
  • Leave little notes lying around, post on the mirror, leave in her purse, put on the fridge, on her dashboard, on her computer. Every note scores a point.
  • Do easy things on her to-do list, eg pick up the kids, drop something off, call somewhere for her. Again, each thing nets a point.

Women spend much of their time planning, thinking, and nurturing their relationships, because this is how they show their love, and it’s what’s important to them. When men reciprocate these small acts of love, then women feel cared for, treasured, and loved.

The point scoring analogy is only to be used with humor and good will. Check-in with your emotions. Regardless if you’re male or female, young or old, we are all individuals and we all attach different meanings to acts of love. We all get off-balance during times of heightened activity or stress. Scoring points is a fun tool to assess the health of our relationships, and place attention back on what matters most: connecting and having a good time together.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Staycation Today

Monday, October 31st, 2011

Now that Labor Day is over, school has started, and fall is on its way—are you already craving a vacation? Including fun and play every day in your life—whether it is alone, with your family, with friends, or even colleagues is a necessity. If you’re not doing little things each day, then how you fix this is by writing it down, and then doing it! Planning a daily mini-staycation everyday can do wonders for your health, your self-esteem, your happiness, and your relationships too. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut where we become too bogged down by all the pressure at work and of keeping up our home, and caring for loved ones, that we forget that our bodies need and crave downtime. Creating daily breaks where you relax is not a luxury, even though we sometimes treat it as such. Even with the economy, everyone has time for play. It is inexpensive, keeps you young, and the only thing holding you back is you.

It is not a guilty pleasure to stop what you’re doing and just have fun. The only way to ensure that you have free play time every day is to plan for it. How?

  1. Go grab your calendar, planner, or cell phone—whatever you use to keep track of your appointments.
  2. Block out at least two times every day. How long you ask? Start with 15 minute blocks if you’re crunched for time. Some people can go all out & splurge with an hour or two a day. If you’re not convinced yet that you’re worth this amount of time to have fun, then choose a smaller amount of time, and work yourself up to the 1 or 2 hour option.
  3. During one block of time plan an activity such as:

Dancing,

Running like a kid—key here is to run with abandon, maybe kick a ball around too?

Playing with the dog (or kids)

Tickling the dog (kids or spouse are welcome to join in or be tickled too!)

Sing (in the shower, at the top of your lungs in the woods or in the house)

  1. During the second block of time—be spontaneous.

If you don’t have kids, borrow them! But do something that makes you laugh.

Fingerpaint

Dance to a favorite song

Play Barbie if you have them—or do something you loved to do as kid

Hopscotch anyone?

Recent studies show that even if you feel depressed, or are in a funk—if you can find something that makes you laugh, then your mood will improve. Likewise, if you engage in a physical activity—mood improves as well, because of the hormones and endorphins released in your body.

  1. Use an accountability partner. If you block out your time, and then find yourself fizzling out on following through (even if it’s only after a day of not taking the time for fun), then grab an accountability partner—such as a spouse, best friend, friend, co-worker, family member, or a coach.

Someone that holds you accountable ensures that a staycation everyday will happen. It takes at least 90 days, and often much more time to change behaviors, and then have them become a habit. You can alleviate future trips to the doctor, to a therapist, and fights if you take the time to nurture the part of you that craves fun, excitement, and joy. It’s not just a mood lifter, your spirit is fulfilled too.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Shaky Ground, Clear Heart

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

The epicenter in Mineral, Virginia, of where the 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck on August 23, 2011, was less than 30 miles from me. With telephone lines down, it looked like the 4th of July with people over 300 miles away immediately posting updates on their Facebook pages to let friends and family know what happened and that they were okay. Life is always full of uncertainties. Sometimes it takes a natural occurrence like an earthquake not near a fault line or a tornado in an uncommon location to make us stop for a second and check in with our priorities.

I grew up in Alaska with daily earthquakes throughout the state. Earthquake drills are common practice at school, and watching blinds shake or being rolled out of bed was the norm. When things began creaking and shaking I instinctively scooped up dog and kid and found myself waiting out the groaning, rattling, rumblings in our nearest, sturdiest doorframe. I was calmly explaining to my soon to be preschooler that the earth was shaking like big dinosaurs stomping around outside.

I figured why not relate this to one of his beloved books so it was a fun adventure, rather than a potential disaster? He asked if we should put our shoes on, and I said—“sure honey, when the chandelier stops swinging and the trees outside stop their staccato swaying.” Using big vocabulary,made me stay in the logical part of my brain so I would stay calm rather than let my monkey brain create panic for us. Like all kids, he easily picks up the emotional nuances in our voices and faces to tell him how he should react—the shaking stopped and he was excited to put on his shoes and explore outside as we checked for cracks. With my military background my mind was also assessing the situation and hoping it was only an earthquake, and not another attack like 9-11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon inflicted by human beings angry at other human beings.

As I checked in with family and friends, I also found clients checking in with me. This brings me to my point: relationships. I created my business so I could spread and share unconditional love with as many people as possible. I believe we can all learn more life resiliency skills so are relationships are healthier, and we’re able to stay more focused on the present and attaining our goals—which often correlate to cultivating and sharing our talents with others.

Mars Venus Coaching based on John Gray’s, Ph.D., wide-body of male/female relationship dynamics is different from other coaching systems, because it focuses on helping people to understand how to communicate with different types of people so they are valued, respected, and heard. Coaching is also different from traditional forms of therapy, because the focus is on the present and creating 90-day action plans that daily step clients’ closer to their life purpose and goals.

I believe we’re only here on Earth for a blink of an eye, and if we have our priorities straight, then we’re engaging with other people and making their lives a little easier to live and bear. There is a lot of potential to be self-involved, greedy, evil, judgmental, and close-minded. When we focus our attention in this direction, then we take our energy away from what I believe is our main purpose: relationships. Having successful relationships professionally and personally is a life well-lived. Your daily interactions with others, and how many close, quality relationships you have are indicators of whether or not you’re making a difference in the world.

Where were you and what were you thinking about when the 2.8, 2.2, 4.2, and 3.4 aftershocks in Central Virginia occurred in the ensuing hours? Did you even feel them? If you were nearby and felt any of the shaking—did you check in with family and friends? If you were further away and new of loved ones somewhere along the affected eastern coast of America did you check on them? At the end of each day, regardless if there has been a life event that makes you wonder if you have your priorities straight—are you doing ALL you can do to express your gratitude and love for the people that make a difference in your life? Boot anger and low self-confidence out, and focus on what makes your relationships richer and more fulfilling—engage in the now, every day. Achieve your life goals.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Simple Tips for Women When Dealing with Men in Business

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011
  1. Promote yourself

  1. Avoid tag endings

  1. Be direct and concise

  1. Don’t take male comments so personally

  1. Make acknowledgements direct and simple

Simple Tips for Men when dealing with women in business

  1. Build rapport

  1. Avoid monopolising conversations

  1. Respect her abilities

  1. Don’t lecture

  1. Be specific with praise

To Manage Martians: DO
Do allow them to work on their own
Do motivate them by appealing to their ability to get the job done- the hero factor
Do praise and reinforce them by appreciating the TASKS
Do manage their stress by allowing ‘cave time’ and /or simple and quick criteria for what needs to be corrected.
Do act as if you trust he will succeed

To Manage Martians: DON”T

Don’t offer unsolicited or too much advice/help
Don’t focus too much on fleshing out all of the potential problems of a situation
Don’t manage stress by asking him to talk about it
Don’t act as if you do not trust he will succeed

To Manage Venusians: DO
Do allow for more collaborative work
Do motivate by appealing to ability to help the group
Do praise and reinforce by emphasizing importance to group/organization
Do manage stress by listening
Do pay attention and positively comment on the ‘little things’ she does.
Do build rapport by asking appropriate non-work related questions

To Manage Venusians: DON’T

Don’t solve problems too quickly (listen first)
Don’t focus exclusively on Tasks and ignore the relationship
Don’t wait for Venusians to bring up problems-ask about their concerns
Don’t withhold positive feedback

The ultimate guide to parenting is now available as a workshop!

Children Are from Heaven was written by the top expert on loving relationships, John Gray, the author of the phenomenal bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. He now turns his caring wisdom to one of the most powerful and profound relationships in people’s lives – the bond between parent and child. Dr. Gray had created a workshop to be taught by his personally trained instructors.

This workshop will teach you:

  • Why it’s Okay for Children to be Different
  • How to Help Your Children Express Their True Selves
  • The Five Messages and Five Skills of Positive Parenting
  • How to Motivate Children without Punishment
  • How to Help Children Feel Great about Themselves

Geared to parents of children from birth through the teens, this invaluable new workshop will show parents how to help their children become strong, confident, morally sound adults by focusing on self-esteem and responsibility.

Mars Venus Parenting and Hot Steamy Sex

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

Erotic and exciting sex is not only for the unattached or young. I’d even argue it gets better with age and knowing your partner. The biggest culprit to your sex life falling flat on its face while you’re raising kids starts with a T, although it’s not necessarily lack of toys. It’s more likely that the offender we blame is: T…I…M…E, when really it’s our lack of prioritizing a hot sex life into our busy schedules.

When we don’t nurture and grow our sex life, then we often find that sex left the premises. Not connecting often enough with your partner in this way can leave the door wide open to one or both of you straying—either in emotional or physical affairs. So how do you broach this sticky subject if one or both parents are stressed out and tired? Regardless if you’re a new mom figuring out your new body, or if you’re pre-menopausal, you can implement these techniques immediately into your life with your partner.

I cannot say from experience how things go once the kids become cognizant of the mewling sounds coming from the bedroom, because our toddler is still a toddler. From our experience we’ve followed the following tips and they work. These ideas are also drawn from the expertise of John Gray, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of the Mars Venus series that the Mars Venus Coaches use to strengthen relationships with their clients and workshop customers.

Humor

Keeping the atmosphere light and pressure free is an art. However, it is doable if humor is done without sarcasm or the intent to hurt or make you feel better at the expense of another. Maintaining a good sense of humor when things change on your body allows both partners to be uninhibited. And for both sexes it can lead to more intimacy. Accepting and making light of the weird things our bodies do as they age, as they bounce back from childbirth, and begin drooping and sagging is quite fun, especially if you’ve been together for awhile, because you’ll be able to remember and still see your hot cutie when they were XX years young. When we do accept these changes with grace, then we are able to be freer in the bedroom with our partners.

Play

Remaining playful, joyful, and young at heart—especially with your partner or spouse—is critical to keeping all the pressures of a fast-paced society out of your sex life. Leaving sexy notes and playing your fantasies out with your partner keeps ennui at bay, and keeps your sex life new and exciting. Telling your partner when someone else finds you attractive reaffirms being desired, while also keeping the sexual energy within your relationship, instead of giving it away.

Non-Sexual Touch

For women, it takes time to become sexually aroused. Women need to feel relaxed and that they’ve had sufficient time to take off their hats as mom, sister, daughter, housekeeper, and professional, before they feel like the sexy, hot playmate their partner may always see them as despite the messy pony-tail and spit up on their shirt. Taking time to sit beside a woman, or to give one another a foot or back rub, with no intention of this leading to sex can do wonders to turn women on as they anticipate sex later in the day.

Connecting not Necessarily Talking it Out

If you’ve gotten this far, and you are questioning how best to take action—wonderful! You do not need to talk about what you’re doing, just take action. If things are so tense or you’re so exhausted, humor, play, and non-sexual touch are three ways you can re-balance your relationship without adding more stress. The point is to re-connect. Quickie sex. Home-Cooked sex. Romantic sex. It can all be steamy. If you are counting on spontaneity, but then find one of you always bags out, then schedule a day and time each week so you both know that you’ll have time with one another.

Agree to Always Say Yes

Never say no.  This agreement ensures no one is ever turned down. Simple as that, and it works. This is when using a nonverbal signal such as three candles, like John Gray, Ph.D., suggests  lets the other person know you’re interested, and gives them time to get in the mood, or choose to have just a quickie instead.

Long Term Perspective

Our sex life in a long-term, committed relationship will ebb and flow. The key is being able to voice any dissatisfaction in a way that is nurturing not damaging. Complaining or putting your lack of a sex life down will not encourage more intimacy. Introducing eroticism and fantasy into your relationship can ensure that it remains monogamous, while also allowing both partners to freely explore their entire sexual depth.  Keeping things playful, humorous, and focused on connecting at deeper levels ensures a steamy sex life for years to come. Our bodies will change, we will go through life events, but if we embrace these events and are gentle with ourselves and our partners, then we’re able to continue growing together despite the odds.

For more information on Mars and Venus in the Bedroom go to John Gray’s, Ph.D., book of the same name. And, if you’re pressed for time you can also pick up more tips on healthy relationships with our eWorkshop: Secrets of Successful Relationships.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

The Joy of Watering & Feeding Kids

Friday, September 30th, 2011

One of the best feelings in the world is when a child’s eyes light up in recognition and they run at you, throwing their little arms around you for a big hug and cuddle. I remember promising myself when I was about ten years old and dealing with my father’s death that I would never lose that innocence, and wonder and joy for life. John Gray’s, Ph.D., book Children Are From Heaven, reminds us how precious our responsibilities are as adults to grow and raise children to not just be resilient in life, but to thrive. So how do you curb your tongue, focus on the positive, and be in-Joy to raise the kids in your life? As a mother myself, I cherish this promise I made to myself as a young child.  It impacts everything I do and say around our child to guide and grow his spirit, rather than stamp the light out.

When it comes to raising kids, I like to remember simple, yet effective truths to keep me focused on joyfully raising kids.

Negative response attracts negative behavior.

Positive response attracts positive behavior.

Children naturally gravitate to wanting to please and cooperate. In our family we choose to use positive parenting, because we believe that the behaviors we focus on is the behavior we are teaching our children to reproduce.

If they are doing something that is not appropriate, then we re-direct and model the behavior we’d like them to do instead. We choose to motivate our children with rewards. When adults are stressed out, sometimes what comes naturally is yelling or punishing the negative behavior. If we want our children to be empathetic and logical when reacting to undesirable behaviors, then we have to model this so our actions and words are their models.  We do not use food or toys to bribe, we use words of affirmation and physical touch. When I engage with any child I immediately acknowledge and praise what they did right. We reward it by praising them with:

  • verbal affirmation,
  • a hug,
  • a smile, or
  • a high-five

The only time we use the word “no” is for dangerous situations. Such as darting into the street, touching a hot stove, or jumping into a pool without an adult in the water, etc. The less you use this word, the more powerful its effect when it’s needed in an emergency. Every adult our son has come in contact with marvels at his politeness, his manners, his ability to look people directly in the eye while talking, his ability to share, and his compassion for others. He’s not even three years old.

What this does is take the focus off of giving children consequences for negative behavior. Instead we provide consequences when they engage in positive behavior. We let them know when they’ve done a job well, when they’ve attempted to do something helpful, and when we’d like to see more of that behavior. Therefore we use positive outcomes to motivate children rather using a negative outcome.

Children are born wanting to please and cooperate with their parents. John Gray’s, Ph.D., program taps into returning the power to parents to guide children to learn how to make the right choices. When we give children the choice to choose, and give them options for acceptable behaviors, we do not stamp out their quest for independence. Instead we provide structure for them to make choices based on their developmental levels. This starts as soon as they can crawl. The more choices we give them, the more opportunities we give children to exert their independence and feel successful at navigating their way through life.

The more often we are able to parent using techniques based on love and mutual respect, rather than fear and guilt, the more time we have to play together. We all make mistakes, so remember to be gentle with yourself too. Raising kids joyfully and guiding with compassion are the greatest gifts we can give our children so they grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Busy Moms Embrace Common Cents

Monday, September 26th, 2011

It is that time of year again when moms begin prepping their children to go to school. In my case, it’s for preschool. As we go from virtually non-existent laissez faire schedules to the regimen of “You’ll miss the bus if you…!” We also have to ask ourselves what we’re doing to conserve our sanity.

It’s a known fact that in a 1 dollar U.S. bill, 100 pennies make up a dollar. So the question begs to be asked, if we have 24 hours in a day, and at least 8 of those hours should have the entire household snoozing, up to 11 if you’re under 4 feet tall…WHY are we cramming in more activities than is possible to get done in a 24 hour day? The math does not add up! Neither do the health bills further down the road.

Clients, and most have the title “Mom” or “Dad” on their resume, often come to me for help in time-management. Of all the seminars and workshops I do—when I have people shout out their greatest challenge—prioritizing their time tops the list.

Our bodies run on a circadian clock that resets itself around every 24 hours. We are not wired to be on the go all-the-time, and our bodies are wearing out with excess cortisol, a stress-producing hormone, chronically in our system.  Any mom knows that if you do not give your children enough down time, then they become over-tired, their “poop” schedule gets thrown off, and you have a child prone to melt-downs or temper-tantrums on your hands.

Guess what? Same goes for you Momma! Do you wonder why you’re short with everyone, or why it’s hard to convince yourself to be sexy or romantic? The only answer is: you’re not giving enough time to one very important area in your life. You.

And, you can bring your household back into a pleasant place to relax, unwind, and connect with those you love most. The way you achieve any goal is first to define the goal, create a strategy, and identify the actions you need to take on a daily basis to achieve the goal.

Goal: Everyone’s sanity, health, and a functional well-adjusted family.

Strategy: Build in at least 4-6 hours per day where the pace is easy-going. Make sure at least 1 of these hours is 1-on-1 time with just your “self.”

NOTE: No other distractions allowed. TV, texting, phone calls, internet—Banned.

Actions: Every day during the school week my family will:

  • Use this time to cook meals and chat with family about the day.
  • Pack lunches together.
  • Do the dishes, unload dishes, or fold laundry while catching up.
  • Spend time in the same bed or on the same couch cuddling and hugging.
  • Sit down to breakfast and dinner all together.
  • Demand quiet play time for everyone in the household.

During quiet time…Light some candles, diffuse essential oils, run the bath. This may be a good time for you to check email or make a quick phone call as the bath fills. But, guess what? Once the tub is full—it’s time for alone time for you.  Read a chapter of a good novel & then wash your hair. The point for you during quiet time is to relax. (You’ve been connecting and nurturing during some of the chores & meals.)

As a woman you’ll replenish your stress-reducing hormone, oxytocin.  You do this by nurturing and caring for others or yourself. The key is no expectations can be attached. If someone is expecting you to do something, oxytocin isn’t produced as readily.

The point for a guy during quiet time is to do an activity that is less mentally challenging or doing nothing…, however, his stress-reducing hormone is testosterone. There really is a biologically proven reason why guys drop to the couch at the end of the day.

Same goes for your kids. They need to produce stress-reducing hormones too. It keeps everyone’s digestion moving, makes for more restful nights, strengthens your immune system, and improves your relationships.

The more we’re able to disengage ourselves from distractions, the more time we will have both for ourselves, and for our families. In a society where the divorce rate has tipped to over 50%, don’t you owe yourself this break, this chance, to keep your body healthy, your sanity in-tact, and to continue to model balance to your children?

We all need down-time in our schedules. If 4-6 hours seems too much at first, set another target number, and work backwards from there. Just remember it’s non-negotiable. We can’t change our circadian rhythm, and we cannot change how many hours are in a day. We start early teaching kids’ routines and schedules (including nap time) for a reason. Be a do as I say, just like I do mom. You and your kids will thank you for it.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

High School Graduation & Leaving the Nest

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

At Mars Venus Coaching we believe that learning comes in waves, of about eight years—at least it’s so for me. So, when I talk to soon-to-be high school graduates, I often ask myself what I wished I knew then, that I know now. As parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, or mentors—what wisdom can we give that will be: (1) heard and (2) taken to heart?
First let me address why value-added insight seems to come in waves of every eight years. Then we’ll brainstorm how to impart relevant wisdom to our young birds about to take flight.

Developmental Stages

We’ll use Dr. John Gray’s interpretation of the developmental stages we all go through. He calls them the ten time periods. Instead of just listing the developmental stages he corresponds the time periods with what he calls love vitamins that help us develop into who we are and what love need that should be met during these time periods so we are able to stay connected to our true selves. So, when talking or filling out high school graduation cards—I get right to the meat—no platitudes here on going after dreams or reaching for the stars. As you read through this, think about whether you received enough of the love vitamins during each of your time periods so far. How can what you say to the high school graduates in your life grow from your own life experiences?

Time Period Love Vitamin Love Need

1. Conception to birth Vitamin G1 God’s love
2. Birth to seven Vitamin P1 Parents’ love
3. Seven to fourteen Vitamin F Family, friends, and fun
4. Fourteen to twenty-one Vitamin P2 Peers and others with similar goals
5. Twenty-one to twenty-eight Vitamin S Self-love
6. Twenty-eight to thirty-five Vitamin R Relationships and romance
7. Thirty-five to forty-two Vitamin D Loving a dependent
8. Forty-two to forty-nine Vitamin C Giving back to community

As you can see from the list above, most high school grads right now have their energy focused on peer approval and support of others who have similar aspirations. Even sharing words of experience with your high schoolers is a challenge. If it is not couched within this frame of reference, or if they’ve missed out on earlier love vitamins of being unconditionally accepted and loved for who they are—mistakes and all—it is really hard for them to hear anything that resembles advice.

Additionally, if they went through their high school years and didn’t get enough love from family and friends, or if they were too focused on doing well and not having enough fun, then they may have a deficiency in Vitamin F.

Similarly, if during their childhood they grew up with one or more absent parents, then they may also be deficient in the P1 category. It doesn’t necessarily mean that both parents were out of the home working, what it gets at is did he/she get enough unconditional love, acceptance, and support from loving adults who gave freely (without conditions). We experience absent-parent syndrome when there is not enough quality time spent reinforcing a child’s self-identity, independence, and exploration within a safety net where the child intuitively knows he/she can express her/his feelings and venture out making mistakes without being reprimanded or told he/she is not allowed. The take away from this is that what’s always important is that we spend quality time with those we love, the amount or quantity is not important.

Age-Relevant Wisdom

Basically, throughout the high school years and during college (or while we venture into the workforce), what we are often looking for is to connect with others who are doing similar things to us. We need this both to gain a sense of who we are as individuals, as well as to find our purpose in life. If we miss out during this time period, or we pursue an avenue that we think others want us to pursue rather than where our talents lie, then we may become deficient in Vitamin F, Vitamin P2, or Vitamin S.

So one of the keys when pushing high school graduates out the door off on their own journey of discovery is to make sure they know there is still a soft place to land. That making mistakes is still okay, but now as a young adult the consequences are greater. The responsibility is theirs. That when our high school graduates choose what they want to do and learn over the next couple of years, it is critical for them to choose what they want to do, what they are talented at, not necessarily what the family expects. Therefore, identifying their talent or niche is critical. Choosing what social circles they run in going forward will also be critical to their success.

As we age, we also require more vitamins to stay healthy. When you get into your twenties, it is important to be focused on self-love, so as we explore romance and relationships—we choose our mates wisely. If we’ve had time for self-exploration, and to pursue our talents, then our maturity will be at the same level as our age. If we’re lacking in any of the vitamins, and aren’t on a path to fill the missing love needs, then we’ll tend to repeat familial mistakes, and our growth and that of our children will remain stunted.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations